By the time I chose to come out as transgender at work, I had already come out twice before in my personal life — once as a lesbian in college and, last spring, as a transgender male to my friends and family.

These experiences had some things in common, like choosing how and when to tell friends and family and how to present myself publicly. They also led to the same crippling feeling: fear.

Coming out as gay was terrifying. But once friends and family knew, I didn’t have an obligation to tell anyone else unless I wanted to. I had the choice. That’s not the case when coming out as trans. There are physical changes that present themselves over time. There are legal changes, such as the spelling of my name. And there’s the sheer desire and right to be publicly recognized as male.

It takes a considerable amount of vulnerability and strength to come out, even when you know you are in a safe environment. Despite society’s shift toward LGBTQ+ acceptance, most of us have grown up not personally knowing others like us. We have not been well represented in media or in high-level positions. We’ve seen our government leaders fight about our rights, and we’ve heard stories of families abandoning their children or adults being fired from their jobs because federal law doesn’t provide LGBTQ+ non-discrimination protections.

Thankfully, an increasing number of businesses are now including LGBTQ+ protections in their policies, including Citrix! While this gave me a safe space and many resources to help me be my true self, it didn’t eliminate the fear I had from coming out.

In the miraculous way that the universe works, Citrix’s Pride employee resource group sent a well-timed email on one Snack Wednesday in the Raleigh office. Along with the announcement of free cupcakes in the breakrooms, there was a PDF sharing their support for transgender employees along with policy details and resources. When I was ready, I learned, all I had to do was talk to my manager, who would connect me with HR, which would have someone assigned to help me through my transition and coming out.

This prompted me to finally act, but the fear persisted. After all, I grew up in a community that wasn’t diverse and wasn’t supportive of LGBTQ+ people. When I came out as a lesbian at 17, I lost many close friends and had to leave behind a big part of my life. When I came out as trans last spring, it wasn’t without its struggles (and that’s on top of mustering the courage to come out at work). I had been conditioned to fear the reactions of those in my community.

It was that personal experience that made sharing this with coworkers I didn’t know well outside the office so much more daunting. That was the hardest thing to get across when coordinating my work transition with management and HR. While they were 100 percent supportive and helpful with what was in their control, there was nothing they could do to take away my fear. It wasn’t possible.

As I began to work with HR, I learned that the choice on how to come out to coworkers was my own. Would it be through email? Through virtual 1:1 meetings? Or a group call? Who would it come from? Myself, management, or HR? Did I want HR to send out a reminder of our policy?

Knowing that HR would help as much or as little as I wanted was comforting. I chose to have management send out a notice and a letter I had written. In the days leading up to that email, my stomach was in knots, and I felt nauseous when I thought about it. The morning of, I couldn’t eat and I sat staring at my computer, feeling handcuffed, my thoughts racing. Every minute waiting for that email to go through was torturous. The minutes after it was sent, waiting for a sign that my message about who I was would be accepted, were agonizing. Then, the responses started to trickle in.

I received emails and messages from coworkers, including leadership, offering congratulations and support. It was like coming up for air after holding your breath underwater. It’s been about a year since I officially came out at Citrix. Today, my coworkers all use my correct pronouns, and I’ve even developed closer friendships with some of them.

For those who find themselves supporting a coworker or employee who is coming out as transgender or gender non-conforming, take a step back and look at the big picture. Your place of employment may be one of the only places in that person’s life that offers support and protective policies. Even so, that likely won’t take away the fear or lessen the magnitude of the situation for them. As individuals summon the courage to share their personal truth with you, it’s a time to empathetically open the door for them to freely express their emotions during this journey and assure them that they’re not alone.


A version of this post originally appeared on Medium. Learn more about diversity and inclusion at Citrix.